What If

In order to defeat drug addiction you first have to understand it. Drug addiction is a fear driven disease. Removing the drugs is only part of the problem. If you remove the drugs and don’t change the person eventually the drugs will come back. I’ve learned a lot about myself since getting clean. I’ve learned when I’m afraid and living in fear I’ll often talk myself out of things before I ever really try. Sometimes I’ll punch holes in a plan or a goal. I’ll sit there and rattle off reasons in my head why it simply won’t work in an effort to convince myself not to try. Other times I’ll make jokes, and put forth very little effort. This way if it doesn’t work out I can always tell myself, “Well, you didn’t take it seriously.” Another major way I’ll catch myself living in fear is through procrastination. I’ll delay doing something forever. Not because I’m lazy, but because deep down I’m afraid of the outcome. The final way I’ll catch myself living in fear is through isolation. “It’s not me, it’s her. It’s not my fault, it’s his fault.” I’ll alienate anyone and everyone because I’m afraid, I’m afraid of it all. What if you got to know me? What would happen? That’s a scary thought right? You know what’s even scarier? What if I got to know me? What if I wrote down all the ways I acted out in fear, analyzed them, and tried to correct them? I might just recover….