For every angry fight, I was actually terrified. For every screaming match, I just wanted to be told it’s ok. For every flying fist, a hug would’ve worked better. And for every fit of rage, I truly just wanted to cry. You see, my addiction was more about masking emotions than it was about using drugs. I didn’t want to feel anything. I discovered early on that substances gave me the effect I was looking for, “The numb.” When I took something, no matter what it was, I didn’t have to feel sad, happy, angry, frustrated, depressed, or confused. For those few moments, the screaming in my head calmed down to a low murmur. As some time went on, and the noise got louder once again, the same process started once more. This cycle continued until my emotions were so strong that my choice was to deal with them or die. In reality, getting clean didn’t make everything perfect. I’m still a rollercoaster of ups and downs, the only difference is now I’m able to deal with them. Life will always be sporadic, but I’ll take Sober emotions over an intoxicated numb any day.
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